No, this is not a self help blog…lol. It is however the telling tale of a weird fluffy human who always wants to please, say of course I can” to everybody, and , being their worst boss everrrr, saying “do more! Do more! Do more! Do everything!”. The only thing they say no to is…yes, you guessed it “ why don’t you take some time off?” And the ultimate sin “wanna holiday?”….
yes, that is me! The ultimate slave to my passion and wanting to excel at just about everything. If they haven’t found a “warp drive” yet, it’s because I have been hogging it for ages…lol
I’m also very good at hiding pain, fear, anxiety; mostly from myself. Where am I going with this? Well, for the last week or so, my messages and emails have been exploding with “see you at the Bendigo show!”, “looking forward to seeing you at the show!”, etc etc etc.. and, everytime I have to disappoint them because , after the pandemic hiatus when everything was on hold, I could have definitely gone….but…I said “No”… That in itself was a HUGE decision and I subliminally sent out messages on the socials posting in “we’re not going to Spendigo” groups, saying this to people at my latest show in May at the handknitters guild show….which was also super hard! But, obviously was not direct or forceful enough to myself or others🤣
I thought I had it ALL under control…until this week..because of course I did not have any control whatsoever…lol
Yes, that was me…2012..if you thought I didn’t dress to the occasion even if there’s no occasion you would be mistaken…lol proof is in the fluff 🤣
I was running around like an energiser bunny, setting up my stall at the Bendigo show…organising things, making sure people don’t park in twrong spot in front of the door of the shed, running to woolcraft with my donations, running everywhere (except the toilet, I have a market bladder they say😜), not eating (I survived on hot chocolate or coffee…in my mind there’s nothing worse than biting into something and a customer comes up and you spit out your sandwich on their jumper) and believe me , when you take a bite, they know and they come! Lol. Ofcourse you don’t have to be like this! I’ve seen fellow stall holders eating lunch, chatting, being away from their stall, delegating, having a great time shopping and seeing what’s going on at the show…Me? Eh…of course not! I’m so determined, focussed, and feel the need to always be there! I can’t help it. That’s me…I will give my right arm, eye, all my attention and time and more…that’s me: I can be hilariously serious, determined and so focussed, people could come at me yelling “there’s a huge stampede of bison heading this way and you’re right in the path! Get out!” And I would stay iin my stall, fluffing up all the hand dyed tops and yarns and protecting my fluffy hand dyed babies (no, I did not bring bunnies to the show…they would literally die of being cuddled too much..).
and it’s not only AT the show I’m like this…no, I am like this ALL THE TIME! Desperately trying to be so organised and concentrated while my brain yells at me “chaos!” ..lol
For months I would have had a work schedule resembling of what a small group of people would have to accomplish…I set myself tasks that are almost unattainable. I am sure that if I were an athlete putting this kind of time and effort in: I’d be running faster than Usain Bolt or die trying….and people, that is basically what I have been doing since I started this fluffy adventure in 2004…that’s almost twenty years! Still cannot believe that!
anyway I digress and before I mutter along again here’s what I mean with working all the time and a lot….this was my stall at the show…I brought so much stock, I could have filled the whole shed…lol
And there was more….much, much more……..
so, yeah, I’m being inundated by messages “looking forward to seeing you at bendigo show!” After being at the show since 2005 I suppose everybody thought I was a fluffy fixed feature🤣 but, I am not going to be there. I apologise to all of you who expected me & my wall of fluffy colour there after the pandemic hiatus. So, why am I not there? Did I win the lottery? Am I on a world cruise? Am I retired? 😱Well people, I can honestly say “NO” to all the above🤣 I am still working hard dyeing, spinning, painting, trying to earn a living without keeling over, because, let’s face it, I am famous for going totally over the top with everything: I’m not neurotypical… After my surprise cardiac arrest in 2019, I have had to admit I can’t “work like an energiser bunny” anymore, even with my bionic implants.
Just to explain how exceptionally hard headed I am: after the cardiac arrest in june 2019, I kept on dyeing the mountains of fibres & yarns for the show that July. Ar that show I could hardly walk, breathe or do anything; I was yelled at by some to SIT DOWN! continuously and was laughed at by others…I sincerely believe I have some ptsd from that whole experience. Did I stop? No!🤣 of course not, because what I do is my only source of income. I don’t do what I do as a side hustle: This is my life….and my work and I love what I do.
am I going to miss being at Bendigo? miss seeing friends? miss a lot of income? Yes,yes and yes, but I can’t physically (& mentally)handle everything that comes with it: the mountains of dyeing, packing, the setting up, the standing and running around for three days, the packing up, the organising…everything.
Truth is, at this moment, I am working as hard as i can, but I cannot stand up straight anymore ( hunchback of Notre Dame comes to mind …the bells! The bells! 🤣) , my back is killing me and my heart doesn’t let me be that energised anymore. It’s like someone pulled a lever and said : this is your limit, you cannot exceed it…sorry! And you know what? It pisses me off! And it scares me..I still do not like saying “no I can’t “…. I am trying though. I am trying to be nice to myself and desperately trying to not feeling guilty. I’m still working on it…
This was extremely hard to write..Maybe I’ll make it to the show next year..in a more subdued form ( yeah yeah…you can stop laughing now…lol), who knows..in the meantime, I’m still here online with fluffy goodies available in my IxCHeL shop!
I’ve been concentrating on custom orders this week and lots of dyeing of the July clubs, which will be shipped next week! I haven’t had any time to dye or make new blends up though (hides in a corner …trying not to feel guilty and inadequate…rofl). There are loads of new things hopping your way though!! I just need a bit more time !
the sign ups for the fourth quarter of the Art journey clubs are open now! The last one of 2023 !! And you can find them here: https://ixchel.com.au/collections/clubs
Can you believe it how fast this year has gone? **runs off in panic** (well, that’s a lie actually, I do not run…no, not even if a bear would chase me, but I’ve not had the pleasure to test that yet….and not planning to either 🤣)
Have a wonderful weekend! And please, whatever you do, have lots of fluffy fun!! Do everything you want, buy all the fluff on your wish list at the show (or here in my shop…😜) : the one with the most stash wins!